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[09 Sep 2006|02:19am] |
I came upon some old journals the other day, in particular one that
has managed to vanish and reappear a number of times now. It's close
to the first journal I ever had, and has some original really crappy/creepy
stuff in it. I'm likely to transcribe it all over here at some point...
Reading through the stuff from my cultite dats is going to be odd, I should
totally post some of it just for the few people who'd actually want to see
just how confused I was then, it's hard to think I was ever more in the dark
than now...but somehow reading through the journals of a man with a serious
ego/importance problem always seems to be just enough to remind me that even
now most of how I view the world and my role in it is bullshit. I'd have made
a much better extrovert con-man than a hybird hermit/social butterfly.
Been trying to keep from falling into the lonely man's blues. I've been once
again faced with the list of questions I continue to ask myself about what I'm
really ok with and ready for. I really don't think now is a good time for any-
thing but friendly conversation and getting to meet folks. I'm feel like I'm
a hairs breath away from restarting the vicious emotional cycle I've spent
the last 4 years running from. I don't think I'm going to be ok with the downward
spiral of BS that comes after I build things up in my head anymore. I just don't
want to play.
On the postive side of things, I'm getting closer to being able to find some
kind of computer consulting/repair that won't force me into a chemical soup.
If I could find someone who was look specifically for high level customer service
oriented tech support I'd be set, but with the way things are looking, I might
have to just do it myself.
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[23 May 2006|03:17pm] |
Here we are again, in enough of an emotional tizzy to use this blasted thing...
I am a mess, I was born this way. The list of symptoms I've been through could be
a whole chapter in the DSM, likely labeled "diseases of the weak willed".
Working with a therapist lately I've once again had to admit that I tend to come
across as a "normal" person who has some idiosycracies. To be perfectly honest
I don't feel anywhere near that. I look at my situation from my perspective and
I seriously don't see any reason to believe I will ever be any better. I seem
to be completely unable to keep even the most basic pieces of life together.
I have a hard time understanding why I put myself through trying, it's not like
I've even been able to even minimize the things that cause me to be most dysfunctional
let alone actually provied myself with a home and work enviroment that isn't toxic.
I could spend a month listing things I can't do that anyone else would consider
more than expected. I see clearly how restrictive my lifestyle will have to become,
and even more clearly how impossible it is currently and I just don't want to try
any more.
I know I won't feel the same later, and that's the worst part, more and more the only
perspective I have any respect for is the most dire...
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| cataclismatic |
[29 Apr 2006|10:03am] |
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mood |
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 amused |
] |
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music |
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muffled nirvana and a cat purring |
] |
our enderphobic society
molds the minds
trashing our thinking
it's unrelenting hold on me
is a psycotic cacaughany
all these things
that should not be
the wonder is all gone
my perspective is all wrong
I must turn some music on...
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[14 Apr 2006|08:30am] |
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mood |
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 chipper |
] |
I actually have things I know I want to do, I have a goal and know some of the steps involved in achieving it. My days seem to be getting consitantly better. A large part of this in my opinion has to due with the effect of chromium (and possibly the other supplements to some extent as well). After one day taking it I noticed my bodies reaction to food, specifically sugar was different, now on the morning of day four, I can clearly say that I don't think I've had my hypoglycemia this under control ever. When I do eat it isn't a dramatic mood change, because there was no sugar crash to fix. This is huge for me.
As asinine as the political and business world has become people still seem to have a hard time understanding that the way of life we are being sold is just as inhumane.
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| wisps of soul sucking winds or how I learned to to love extreme fishing |
[13 Apr 2006|10:58pm] |
I really can't tell how I'm feeling, but it's got to be better by far
I can feel my soul breathing fresh air, not dank black wisps of cold air
left whipping through my tattered mental landscape. I've been happy.
As always seems the case a little goes a long way, I'm nothing if not hopeful.
Granted my expectations are always a little grandiose, if not lofty in scale.
I tend to complicate things to ensure failure.
Journals are for the wicked.
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| shrunker heads and unmade beds |
[13 Apr 2006|12:05pm] |
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mood |
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 weird |
] |
Leaving for my first appointment with a shrink today, don't exactly have a clear goal outside
of stability. I hope now that I have more pieces of the puzzle a professional will be able to answer
more of my real questions. I really should be looking online as well, but that's just step two.
I see more and more how many people I know are dealing with one form of mental illness or another, there is really something wrong with our way of life.
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| inositol and water on the rocks please |
[11 Apr 2006|07:55pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
I started taking a few vitamins today, each for a different reason.
The Inositol is supposed to combat anxiety, and you take it when
your actually feeling that way. The Cromium is supposed to help
level blood sugar (which I think it really does, I'll explain more
later). Choline is the last one and I don't remember what it's supposed to do.
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[06 Jan 2006|11:06am] |
today is a hoose cleaning day oor eer...
I wish I could find my damn portable HD with all my simpsons and music, I've
been looking for days and can't find it. Damned digital media, only way you
can you lose 300 simpsons episodes and enough music to choke a whale without
a trace.
So I get to resetup the "office" today, and hopefully rebuild this windows box
into a screaming dream of a FreeBSD machine...
I've decided anyone would be crazy in my shoes, so I need some new shoes...STAT!
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[05 Jan 2006|09:02pm] |
Christ all friggin mighty, I've had a gnar new year so far.
I have had a few good thoughts though, I think I found at least one of my
own personal dividing lines between "us" and "them". The perspective I believe
my moral arch nemisis holds (in secret or openly) sees humans as born a certain
way (evil, stupid, broken, poor, black, jewish, etc). This also ties into the
whole "God doesn't make any mistakes" thing, a cute little affirmation that
always made me sick. I should find a way to stuff Calvanist into my big bad
amalgamative word sludge; Capalfacistidolitars.
Maybe...Calvanfacistcapitalistidolitars...
naw too long
Oh yeah finishing my half baked point...So the opposing perspecive holds that
people are both a result of genetic and organic (occuring post conception, I know it's
a lousy word, so sue me) effects. In more reasonable terms, life bends us and shapes
our path from the moment of conception. I'm not talking about any xian stuff here, just
the reality that enviromental effects do shape our lives, even in the womb.
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[04 Jan 2006|02:12pm] |
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mood |
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meh |
] |
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music |
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Lagwagon - Owen Meaney |
] |
I'm an old, bitter, confused, curmudgeon.
--
Lagwagon warms my frostbitten heart
as I contemplate the fears and fables of my life
I can't help feeling like I've lost it all
Just by trying to keep my head above water
I'm neither honest, nor brave
cowardace keeping me safe and pain free...
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| blood red streets of america |
[19 Dec 2005|07:30am] |
It's nice to know that the Iraqi people now have the protection of a constitution, so they too
can have it torn to bits and shit upon like ours...
Dumbya acts as if it's terrorists that are being spyed on here, while that may be partially the case
the number of peaceful organisations with no possibility of connection to terrorists that are under
inventigation is frightening. Any "enemy" of the current administration seems qualified to be a victim
of these illegal programs.
We have to cripple these attempts to subvert and pervert our nations ideals. The balance of power has
to be brought back to a place where a single persons vendetta isn't our nations main focus.
I really don't know why I'm bothering to rant, but I'm up so meh. In reality, I don't really believe
our country has a chance in hell of correcting these behaviours. We have spent the last 50 years breaking
the back of workers, we arn't going to stop now. We have made of ourselves a stupid fearful poisoned crippled
foolish naive ignorant people. We must stop what has to be seen as a vicous concious attempt to build a nation
of cattle, fit only to graze in the lands we are led to.
this rant isn't all that useful really, considering...but meh it'll continue
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[07 Dec 2005|09:11pm] |
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I made cookies, they were fucking good. Fuck baking soda anyway, who needs it...
1 cup butter
1 1/2 cups white granulated sugar + 1/4 brown sugar
use cold sugar and butter so as to make mixing a 30 minute process
add eggs in desperation, two of them. Dump in what you pray to the Lard
is real vanilla extract, and not some petrochemical treat. A bit of some fancy salt,
or some not so fancy salt (I had fancy salt, and salted butter).
smash walnuts to shit...dump in.
accidentally rip ghiradelli bag too far, dump in all chips to save trouble.
mmmmmmmmmmm
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| death |
[05 Dec 2005|03:40pm] |
If you have lost touch with a friend who you love, for fucks sake find them and tell them...
I feel like pigfucker of the highest order right now...
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[04 Dec 2005|09:11am] |
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What the fuck yo.
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[03 Nov 2005|03:49pm] |
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BOONDOCKS CARTOON ON ADULT SWIM...the world may not be complete crap forever!
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| Six Feet Over |
[01 Nov 2005|11:56pm] |
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Just watched the last episode...I'm done...sooo good..
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keken's journal
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